another thought(s)

Dear my lovely readers,

so it is another post,and I really don't know what to do right now, because my mind is travelling all across the universe, as I am having many different thoughts right now, you know the other day ago, I had a conversation with someone, and he told me, I think too much, and worry about things I have no other control over, and he is right, I do think a lot, and that is not always a good thing, I think a lot about if I will ever be truly happy, or just "ok", you know I never once felt as if I belonged, not with my family, not with my friends, not with anyone, and I feel really alone a lot, even among a group of people, and you know it is strange to feel that way, you know I really just want someone to tell me, vic you belong, I wish to hear those words.

I think I enjoy crying, because I know other people in the world do the same, so it in a way makes me feel like am a part of the world, in a sense, me crying is nit always, because am sad, but sometimes, because am happy,

you know this all makes me think I might be bi polor, because I get sad real easy, but happy real easy, like I probably have talked to you before, and been happy, and then sad then happy all in the same conversation, I am trying to be happy, honest I am, but I just have a hard time sometimes, I think about going to see someone for help about this, but the last I did the person only seemed to care about my insurance rather than making me better, because that is all he seemed to talk about, and it made me feel like I was wasting my time.

I really don't want this blog to all be about my sadness, or how ever this looks, so I am going to tell you about the first time I ever got high, when I was ten, my older brother, and me were home alone one night, since my mum had to work late at her job, and him, and his friends used to smoke weed, but like I never did, so they were smoking in my room, because as you might remember from a few blogs ago, we had to share a room, and he asked me, well told me,lol, to smoke this blunt, which is a cigar that you cut open, take the guts out, and replace with weed, and I did, and the feeling was weird, I noticed the music playing for the first time, I mean I noticed it before, but I noticed it, if you know what I mean, the band playing was wu tang, andf I was in love, I also started to laugh at the house next store, because I never noticed, but it was small, like it was for a barbie doll, or something, and I noticed a lot of things that day, I went on to smoke weed for most of me life, but since have quit, it is weird now that I think about it, maybe getting high, did not help with depression, but made it worse,

well that is all for now,
as always I love you all deeply,
you friend, victor paul kugler