seeing a psychologist

Dear my lovely readers.

as most of you know I have been seeing a psychologist, and while at first it has been good, I know find it to be pointless, because simply she has yet to ask me why I am sad, or what bothers me, but instead she just puts me on medication as if there is no need to talk about anything, because these meds will make life better, sorry I did not call your office to be put on meds, but I called you, because I am depressed, and want to get help, for that my regular doctor could have put me on the meds, and I could have saved time, do you know how hard it is for me to call someone, and admit I need help with this, or to even talk about it, and by the way, those meds are not working. I hope they are not placebos, because that would be the stupidest thing to give me. then I see a therapist, whom also has not asked me about these things, but asks me about fantasy football, wtf I could go to a bar, a friends house, or any other place to talk about sports, I want to talk about why I hate myself, not who should you start at QB.

what bothers me a lot about being sad is the fact I am sad, because I know people have it a lot worse, and I know some of my friends, and people I know are going through harder times right now, so it makes me feel guilty for being this way when I should be happy, but I can't help it

ohm and so as you also know I take pills for insomnia, hmm it is after 2:30 in the A.M, so I guess those too are not working


sorry for the rant, but just wanted to get this off my thoughts

until next time,
I love you all deeply
your friend,
VPK

I don't know any better
any better then these words
these words being wrote in my book
in my book they are not at all right
just as I know death
is not the way out
just as I know snow
hates the burning fire
I hate being this way
this way is all I know
and I know the darkness
is consuming my light
my light that is my soul
my soul suffers and cries
my cries echo my hopes
my hopes everyday dies
from a mind that is broken
but my broken mind tries
to find ways out of hell
from hell I am able to see
that even in the worst, heaven
is always is my arms reach
I reach out from my grave
my grave has not yet been buried
so I am living on the edge
between the living, and dead
in this world of people where
the living wish they were dead
the dead wish they were living
I just wish for the words
to come from your lips

if my heart I can't convince
then my soul I need to rinse
and both of my eyes lens
I need to wash and cleanse
away all the built up dirt
no matter how much the hurt
I know truth from fiction
and in my life I have had
a world filled with conviction
but judge me all you want
you won't be the first
and by far you won't be the worst
I have been buried by friends
and saved by my enemies
therefore, I keep my sword sharp
like a pencil ready for paper
the only difference that exist
is life does not carry an eraser
everything that has been wrote
shall forever have been

I am deep in the wilderness
searching for my path
some days my mind is broke
like shattered glass
the broken pieces everywhere
cut me deeply as I stare
not knowing which direction
my feet shall step
staying awake even when I slept
my dreams, and nightmares coexist
like two lovers when they kiss
but in other days my mind
is fixed, like a childes eyes
gazing at the stars
my mind builds a world of imagination
like an author's pen builds a story
and I am at peace
like a snow flake falling
gently from a cloud
I am in the wilderness
stuck between peace and war
and this will go on
until I exist no more

why, oh why is
this world so cursed
with the worse thing ever
the plague known as humans
the most bloody thirsty creatures
claiming they are so wise
but since they came to be
mother earth only cries
she is filled with their
blood on every part of land
even the waters are not safe
from the wickedness of their hand
the day they came to be is
a day I will curse and hate
but that is the cruelty of fate
a world filled with beauty
and the laws of nature
births the thing that
murders their creator
the day they are no more
is a day of dreams for sure
until then mother earth
will only be in sad and weep
and she will never again sleep

the world is never what you expect
words spoken can come to you indirect
like the falling leaves of a tree
only believing what we want to see
without his pitcher painted it wouldn't be
faith is only built on your eyes
so in your heart it's a world of lies
of these images people are dependent
blessed are those who believe he's
The Holy Most High's descendant
without ever having to view
any pitcher they know it's true

humbling

Dear my lovely Readers,

Greetings, and peace I hope all is going well for you, and I hope they are getting better if they are not. in life there are people, friendships, relationships, and other things you think that will be with you for your whole life, but the thing about that is things change, and so does people, friendships, relationships and how everything is, and when they do it does in fact hurt, but it can also humble you to appreciate everything more, because you don't know how long things will last, so you begin to understand that that some things simply will not be there for you forever, so you love things more, and the time you have with people, and stuff becomes more valuable to you.

so remember to value all the friendships you have, and all the things you have, because you never know how long they will last, or how lucky you are to have them until they are gone.

remember this, everything you have has no value on friendship, and family and the people that love you, and nothing in life matters more than love, so never chose something materialistic over that

I will continue to pray for everyone doing bad, good, and in between, and I hope you all do the same for me.

May The Holy Most High Bless you all as many times as there has been people that have ever been born in the existence of the Earth

I love you all very deeply
your friend
VPK